The Making of a Universe

I once read of a theory that suggests that the Big Bang was the creation of a black hole and within that black hole is our universe. This has led physicists to put forth the multi-world interpretation — that for every outcome in our universe the quantum outcome is realized in another world. I think about what this means for me as a metaphor and my inability to connect with others around me. 

My inability to connect with others is not something I view through the lens of being a flaw, as most would expect but nor do I view it with pride. I am neutral towards it. It’s a logical product of my life’s experiences – a logical product that has led to a reality I constantly live with aka it's like oxygen to me. Due to being too removed from my experiences and struggles it can often feel like I exist in altogether another black hole aka another universe compared to those around me. As a schizophrenic aka someone with high abstract thinking, this abstract conceptualization of my relationship to those in my personal life has ironically helped to heal some of the internal isolation. It is ironic because by going further into my isolation aka to the singularity, only was I then able to lessen the heavy weight on my shoulder and make this isolation something worthwhile embracing. If one cannot escape the gravity of isolation due to how removed their experiences are from others – that experience especially as it relates to the political disillusions I experience as a schizophrenic – the only logical thing left to do is to embrace it. And unexpectedly with the embracing of this isolation comes comfort with which comes confidence in oneself. 

Thus my isolation has gone on to become the source of comfortable confidence. I call it comfortable confidence because it is the type of confidence that I strive to have. One can conceptually grasp what comfortable confidence means to me by grasping its opposing counterpart aka egoistic confidence. Egoistic confidence is confidence rooted in the unconscious or subconscious desire of leveraging the power one holds over another human to compensate for inner shortcomings aka insecurities. On the other hand comfortable confidence is rooted in the power one has over themselves. My confidence is rooted in my ability to come to terms with my social and emotional disconnect from others. Rather than turning this disconnect into resentment or insecurity, turning it into my solace is what makes it embody the conceptual meaning of comfortable confidence aka having power over oneself rather than another human. 

I think about how the center of a black hole has its own rule book of physics because our known laws of physics break down upon arrival at the point of singularity.  

“Philosophy and psychosis have more in common than many people (philosophers especially) care to admit. The similarity is not what you might think – that philosophy and psychosis don't have rules… On the contrary, each is governed by very strict rules. The trick is to discover what those rules are, and in both cases, that inquiry takes place almost solely inside one’s head.” 

– Page 40, The Center Cannot Hold by Elyn R. Saks

Thus it comes as no shock that the feeling of existing in another universe aka a black hole would require one to develop their own rule book — their own laws of existence. But one does not reach the point of singularity that sits at the center of a black hole and get the opportunity to develop their own rule book without crossing the event horizon. As my cognitive state’s perception of time slowed and got warped literally, the peak of my first psychotic break was my crossing into the event horizon.